Another lifestyle change

I have a writing group here in Anchorage and most of the members are much older than me. Which is saying something because I'm already 58 years old, as you can read from my profile (do they have to add the astrological sign?!) Anyway, the oldest member of the group, and one of the sharpest and best writers is ninety-two. I know this because we share the same birthday and celebrated together this year. The new picture on my profile is a picture of me at the party. I have another great one of Arne (my birthday twin.)

This week's writing assignment was from Arne as well. We were each given a phrase to write about and either use the phrase in our writing or hide it and have everyone guess. My phrase was "lighting the candle at both ends" a phrase that dates to 1611. But it brought to mind a time more around 1984 (0minous) when my own life was particularly incendiary with so many responsibilties and commitments that I just burned out. As I say in the poem, I only pulled my kids (two then) and my marriage out of the fire. If we all have a false self that masks our true self, I'd have to say that "lighting the candle at both ends" qualifies in my life. Here in Alaska though, I'm much more inner than outer directed and that is good for someone who is attracted to this false self. But it is hard because my outer commitments are not like children who are around all the time, but things that are in the future, but no less real. And I have to find the motivation in myself to follow through on things that are happening in the middle of January but will be here sooner rather than later.

I don't want to "burn the candle at both ends" anymore. Wierd sort of image with no place for the candle except destruction. Maybe what I am after is to be a lit candle with a wick at my center that is the Spirit's indwelling. But I don't feel that so much today. No, not so much.